| There is no way to see a batterer coming. They do not wear signs that say, “Beware of me; I abuse my partners,” or take out ads that read, “White, male batterer seeks submissive white female.” They aren’t more likely to be poor or wealthy, Latino, African American or white, alcoholics or drug addicts or blue or white collar. The one thing that all perpetrators of abuse do have in common is their desire to entrap a victim within the relationship in order to assert and maintain power and control.
When one human sets out to entrap another the effects can be far reaching and devastating to the life and well being of the victim. Once power and control have been established the victim has little say over their own life. Deciding to take back control can be terrifying, dangerous and a logistical nightmare. When a relationship becomes abusive many people insist the victim should simply leave, this is not always as easy or safe as it may seem.
As a Victim’s Advocate, I often hear victims highlighting the same concerns regarding their decision to leave an abusive relationship: no money, no familyor friends to ask for help, no way of protecting herself against him, he’ll take everything including the children, he will kill her. Abusers control most aspects of their victims lives, everything from her clothing to her access to contraception and family planning. He may limit or monitor her phone and Internet use or refuse to let her do anything alone. Deciding to leave an abusive relationship requires her maneuvering of all of these physical, mental and emotional barriers.
Economic Control
Over the course of their relationship abusers have often mastered control of all monetary assets. If victims entered the relationship owning a car or home these possessions will often become jointly owned or in some cases the batterer will take full ownership. If a victim is allowed to work her wages are often controlled by the abuser. Batterers are typically sweet talkers, they employ manipulative techniques and charm to achieve their goals.
sabotage her ability to progress at work, controlling access to necessary tools such as computers or uniforms or drugging her food so she fails drug tests and so on. In time she will often be fired, pressured to quit by the batterer or she’ll voluntarily quit for one reason or another. Unless a victim has friends and family who are willing to help with finances, leaving may not be an option. If there are children she may be concerned that she will not be able to meet their needs. Isolation From Family and Friends
Batterers also tend to move very quickly, securing their stronghold swiftly and unsuspectingly at first. In other instances, they simply use coercion, violence or threats to get what they want. If a victim tries to regain economic control or go to work the abuser may sabotage her attempts. He may refuse to allow her use of a car to get to work or withhold money for gas. They may even
Abusers will often create disputes between the victim and her friends and family. He may insist that her sister stole some money during her last visit and refuse to let her visit again, for example. Contrarily, he may steal from her sister during a visit, creating a two sided conflict in which the victim is stuck in the middle. Often times he will begin to erode her existing relationships very early and prevent new ones from forming.
Other abusers may charm her family and friends so vigorously that they begin to doubt her. He may convince them that she is mentally ill. It may even go as far as hospitalization and the use of drugs to control her behaviour. Her family becomes convinced that he has her best interest at heart . When she asks for help to leave the situation they may become angry with her or share her plans with her batterer, believing they are acting in her best interest.
In other cases, friends and family may grow disgruntled and angry with the victim. They may believe that she can simply walk away and feel frustrated that she hasn't. Abusers are usually very intelligent and manipulative. Contrary to popular belief, they often have a great deal of control over their behaviour. What the rest of us see is often in stark contrast to the person the victim knows. Isolating her from her loved ones and support base is a very useful tactic for an abuser. The loss of support from her family and friends often derails any attempts to leave the relationship, she simply has nowhere to go. Her options become limited to those services provided by the state or private non-profits. Many victims contact these resources only as a last resort.
Isolation From Protective and Social Services
arrival, after assessing the situation they may simply leave or fail to secure the real victims safety. Even agencies such as the one I work for may be seen as untrustworthy. This often has to do with batterers making it to us first. Many batterers are aware that accessing services such as ours first will prevent us from working with his victim. In most cases the victim will avoid calling because she is worried that we’ll disclose information to her batterer. If she does call and it becomes clear that we are working with him we must refer her to another agency due to potential conflicts of interest. At this point, the batterer has successfully managed to isolate her from most economic, social and familial resources. Fear of Losing Her Children
There are fundamental differences that non-batterers must realise about batterers in order to truly understand why leaving is not as easy as it may seem. Batterers see their partners as owned property, not as equals. His objective is to control his property and, of course, no one likes to lose that which they own. This possessiveness also tends to extend to his children.
Victims who try to leave must also face very difficult parenting choices. According to Lundy Bancroft’s article “The Batterer as Parent”, “These men seek custody of their children more often than non-battering fathers do.” Facing her batterer in a court system that has failed her otherwise may be enough to keep a victim in the relationship, where she can continue to parent her children somewhat. Furthermore, children often have their own very complex relationship with the abusive parent. Bancroft goes on to explain that batterers will often employ techniques such as the favouritism of one child in order to win their unwavering support, the humiliation and undermining of the abused parent in front of children or the showcasing of their abused parent’s inability to protect them. When a victim asks her kids if they want to leave with her they may simply refuse out of fear or loyalty to the abusive parent. There is a common sentiment among concerned loved ones that she should leave for the sake of her children. From the outside it may not seem logical that he maintains so much power over her. To the victim, however, if he says he will take her children she has little reason to believe he won’t. From her perspective her abuser makes good on his threats and he is more powerful than she.
Fear of Escalating and Death
There is one final threat that many victims will hear time and again from their abuser if they dare to leave the relationship and that is of death. Many outsiders believe leaving is the safest decision but statistics don’t quite support that. According to researchers at The Indiana University Maurer School of Law, “Women are most likely to be murdered by the abuser when attempting to report abuse or leave the abusive relationship.” The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) reports that three women are killed by current or former partners each day in the US. Women who aren’t murdered often face more frequent and severe violence while attempting to leave.
It is common knowledge in the movement against domestic and sexual violence that victims who use the services of anti-violence agencies are more likely to permanently leave abusive situations. Similarly, victims who have the emotional, economic and compassionate support of loved ones are more likely to escape violent relationships. The average victim attempts to leave an abusive relationship several times before she finds the proper support and means to do so safely. For those watching this process it can be frustrating and confusing. If concerned family members really want to see her leave their support is crucial, as well as the understanding that she knows how to protect herself better than anyone else. Victims are the best experts on their own safety needs and they know best how their abuser might respond, after all it is she who is with him behind closed doors. Rather than spending their energy questioning the victim perhaps concerned outsiders should restructure their thinking and begin asking, “Why doesn’t he stop abusing?”
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