As a victim’s advocate within the movement to end domestic, sexual, stalking and dating violence, I often receive calls from concerned family and friends of victims who want to know how they can best support their loved one. While advocacy varies widely from one call to the next there are a few key points that I often find myself discussing on such calls.
Understanding Domestic Violence
If you want to support a victim of domestic violence it is important to first understand what domestic violence is and is not. Domestic violence is the act of exerting and maintaining power and control over another human being. Though there are other types of violence that fit this description; domestic violence is usually specific to people who have been involved in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with their abusers. Batterers implement a host of tactics in order to lure a victim into the relationship and another set of tactics in order to keep the victim there. While domestic violence often includes physical and sexual abuse, it does not have to. If a batterer feels they are maintaining power and control without the use of force or sexual abuse they may not employ those tactics. Domestic violence can happen to anyone. It happens across all social and economic classes, to people with a college education and without. It happens to people regardless of their race, ethnicity or religion, wealth, IQ, whether they are drinkers or drug users or not. There is no one profile of a victim.
Victims are the experts in their own lives.
Many concerned loved ones will call a hotline and express their frustration and belief that the victim should just leave and/or that s/he brings the abuse upon themself. Understand that leaving a situation may have many obvious and hidden repercussions. Only the victim and the abuser know the full extent of the abuse.
Only a victim really knows what s/he is experiencing and what choices may make them feel safer. Their abuser may use veiled or hidden threats that others do not readily know the meaning of. These threats may be against the life, children and reputation, etc. of the victim. For many victims the use or threat of violence escalates when s/he attempts to leave the relationship. Many victims attempt to leave an abusive situation multiple times before they are successful. Help the victim by maintaining your support and providing them with the tools that have been shown to help victims leave.
Domestic and Sexual Violence Agencies
your loved one with the number of your local agency. These agencies typically offer 100% free and confidential support. They may offer victims a number of services ranging from a listening ear to criminal court advocacy and emergency shelter. If you feel as though you are experiencing some burn out due to the situation it is better to refer the victim to a trained professional than to pass judgement on them. Concerned loved ones can also use the services of an agency if they need to let off some steam or gather information about local resources. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence can help you locate services within your area; their hotline number is 1.800.799.SAFE (7233). Victims of sexual violence can contact the Rape, Abuse, Incest and National Network 1.800.656.HOPE (4673) to be directed to a local agency.
Note: it is important to understand that a victim may be heavily monitored by her abuser. Therefore, using the telephone to call for support or tools such as the Internet may increase her risk. If she is concerned that her abuser will track her use of resources, perhaps you can be helpful by providing the information to her in a way that she feels safe.
Unconditional Support
Statistics show that victims who do not feel judged by their loved ones will be more successful at leaving a relationship. Let the victim know that you care and you want them to be safe. Do not judge the victim if s/he returns to the relationship multiple times, simply keep your door and your heart open to them. If a victim feels as though s/he cannot turn to their loved ones their chances of leaving the relationship decrease dramatically. Remember that s/he is the expert in their situation. S/he may not always make choices you understand.
Of course, it is important to protect your self and your home from abusive situations. If you feel you cannot provide shelter or a good listening ear refer victims to a local domestic violence agency, while maintaining whatever support you can.
Information about local services
temporary child custody to the victim and order the abuser to leave the residence.
Most states offer specific protection for victims of domestic, sexual and stalking violence known typically as Relief from Abuse Orders, Protection Orders or Restraining Orders. Contacting your local domestic violence agency is a good place to begin collecting information about the particular orders in your area. Orders may grant very specific protections such as the number of feet an abuser must remain away from the victim. In some cases they may even provide
Many hospitals offer the services of a sexual assault nurse examiner or SANE Nurse. These individuals are specially trained to gather crucial evidence after a sexual assault and most are more sensitive to the specific needs and concerns of a sexual assault victim.
Many domestic and sexual violence agencies will provide hospital and court based advocacy either over the phone and/or at the actual facility. To gain a well rounded idea of the services specific to your local area, as well as federally implemented protections, it is best to reach out to your local agency.
There are even services and laws in place to help victims of violence who do not have legal immigration status. These victims are allowed to seek protective services and even file for certain visas under the Violence Against Women Act.
The Power and Control Wheel and other information
Another useful tool for many victims of domestic and sexual violence, as well as concerned loved ones, is the Power and Control Wheel. The Power and Control provides a very basic look into the batterers behaviours. When a victim or their loved ones begin to see the very tactics they are experiencing laid out before them it may help them to realise that what they are experiencing is in fact abuse. The wheel may help victim(s) to realise that what their abuser is doing is typical batterer behaviour. Other commonly used tools and literature in the movement against domestic violence may help in similar ways. The Power and Control Wheel can typically be found online. Your local agency can also point you to other useful informational tools. Many agencies provide trainings that look into the profile of a batterer and why they abuse.
Take care of yourself
Supporting a victim can be hard, frightening and, at times, frustrating. Always be sure you put your safety and well being first. If you feel as though you are no longer able to offer support to a victim find a tactful and considerate way to let them know. Remember you can always refer them to their local agency or the national networks listed above.
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